The portrait of my mother

"I had such a wonderful dream. Dad, you and me ...we went down the river together to set up the hives. Right where we used to put them before. Then I saw a flower. I bent down to pluck it and put it in my bag ...to plant it at home. When we returned home, these flowers were everywhere ... "(from the film "Honey", 2010) I came up with this series of photos as a desire to capture the moment of conversation with my mother. After the shooting, I realized that I was manipulating the process, I wanted to shoot the photos that could confirm the warming of our relationship with her, while deeply wishing to "improve" them to the ideal state. This obsessive desire for intimacy caused internal tension when I was shooting the photos. When I started looking through the photos, I saw that I wanted to tell my mother something by the photos, but I couldn't Analyzing what I saw and turning to my memories, I realized that I couldn't say anything about my loneliness and feeling of isolation, in my childhood. Myths about motherhood, about a gentle and loving mother, led to the idea that the reason lies not in my mother, but in me. The resulting self-shame forced me to remain silent and do everything I could to receive support. It was impossible to unravel the secret of this shame, because then I would have to admit that my mother's love (such as I needed) was unattainable and the struggle for her love would be pointless. ONGOING